I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Can vaginas get frostbite?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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