I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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