cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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