I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
