that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
