Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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