I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
