The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize