Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
