i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
