Whats the glycemic index on semen?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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