nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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