Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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