i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
