I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
