I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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