well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
