mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
