I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
