watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
