I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
