i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
