i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
