omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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