don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
