i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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