my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
