I think I died a long time ago.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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