At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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