Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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