I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
