Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
