I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
