the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
