We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
