I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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