Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
