So drunk its hurt
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
