I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
