tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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