I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
