you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
