if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I believe in your delicious
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
