He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
