The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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