Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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