he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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