thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
