My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
