Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
