we have pet lesbian snakes
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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