Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
