I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
