Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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