ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
