I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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