The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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