Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
